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The Cat in the Hat Quotes
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The Cat in the Hat: The name S.L.O.W is better than the last name we had. Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad Walden: Oh! You mean...
The Cat in the Hat: Doh! Quick to the Slow!
Sally: Who are you?!
Cat: Who, me? Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!
Sally: Where did you come from?
Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
Cat: My place, what do you think?Cat: [looking at a photo] Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
Conrad: That's my mom.
[pause]
Cat: Awkward.Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing.
Sally: The fish is talking.
Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.[Conrad and Sally notice the Cat's car]
Conrad: Wow! That's very cool!
Cat: That's just the dust cover. [removes cover, exposing an unusual car] Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger! Or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
Cat: Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh! You mean-
Cat: Oh! Quick to the SLOW!Fish: Someone else should drive!
Cat: All right. You win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
Sally: I want to drive.
Cat: I think that's a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
Cat: You're right. We should all drive.
[gets his own wheel]Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
Thing Two: And all of the above.
Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two: [chuckles] "Ben".
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.Sally: Like being in the Circus!
Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.Cat: [closes the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax, you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
Cat: This isn't just any old crate. It's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says there "Made in the Philippines".
Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines.“Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.”
“And this mess is so big
And so deep and so tall,
We cannot pick it up.
There is no way at all!”
“I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny.”
“He should not be here, " said the fish in the pot. " he should not be here when your mother is not.”
“Cat, you ruined mom's dress!"
"Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.”
“The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. So we sat in the house. All that cold, cold, wet day.”
“You were not born to just fit in, you were born to stand out!”
[the Cat is looking at a photo]
The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
Conrad: That's my mom.
[pause]
The Cat: Awkward.
The Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
The Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!
Sally: The fish is talking.
The Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.
Conrad: I'm not going to military school.
Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
Sally: You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
The Cat: Alright, I'll try.
Sally: [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don't try, you do!
The Cat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh, you mean...
The Cat: No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!
[repeated line]
The Cat: Oh yeah!
The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
Sally: [jumping on the couch] Like being in the circus!
The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.
The Cat: [sinister voice] There is a third option!
[Vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally: There is?
The Cat: Yes. It involves... murder!
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Conrad: That's your option?
The Cat: [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.
The Cat: [back to sinister] Or did I?
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally: Cat, you're not helping!
The Cat: [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.
The Cat: Scream and run.
[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]
The Cat: Son of a (beep)!
Sally: Where did you come from?
The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?
The Cat: My place, what do you think?
The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.
The Cat: C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
The Cat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.
Lawrence Quinn: Why am I sneezing?
The Cat: [tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!
The Cat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
The Cat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...
The Cat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.
The Cat in the Hat: [cat chops his tail]Sally Walden: Um, Cat. Your tail!
The Cat in the Hat: What about it? Oh I see! I chopped it off. Well that's interesting because... Son of a bi... [it goes to the technical difficulties screen]
[to a hoe]
The Cat: Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.
The Fish: Oh my Cod!
Sally: Who are you?
The Cat: Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!
Mom: Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City Morgue".
Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?
Mom: No chewing tobacco.
The Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!
[the phone rings, and The Cat answers it]
The Cat: City Morgue!
The Fish: [losing it] Eighteen!
Lawrence Quinn: Anything for my little Princess.
Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.
The Cat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.
[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]
Conrad, Sally: Taiwanese Parliament.
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!
The Fish: [on the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!
The Fish: Someone else should drive!
The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
The Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
Sally: I want to drive.
The Cat: I think that's a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
The Cat: You're right. We should all drive.
[gets his own wheel]
Mom: [on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.
Mr. Humberfloob: First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan.
[McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock]
Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: [shouting] Fireeeee-dah!
[McFinnigan runs away crying]
The Cat: Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.
Mr. Humberfloob: [speaking to Joan] If your house is as messy as last time, you're FIRRRRRRRE-DUH!
Conrad: So, what do we do?
The Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!
Sally: How many shots?
The Fish: A dog goes, "Woof woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...
Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
The Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
Thing Two: And all of the above.
The Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two: Ben.
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
The Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.
The Cat: Uh, I'm uncomfortable with the "d" word. I just think it's wrong.
[starts singing]
The Cat: How much is that canine American in the window.
The Cat: Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change.
Sally: Stop! That's...
Sally, Conrad: Mom's dress!
The Cat: This filthy thing?
Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.
The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.
[snaps, snaps]
The Cat: Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah.
[snaps, snaps]
The Cat: Mmm-hmm.
The Cat: If this were my house, I'd be furious.
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The Cat: Come on, kids! Are you going to listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
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The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
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The Cat in the HaT
Then our mother came in
And she said to us two,
“Did you have any fun?
Tell me. What did you do?”And Sally and I did not
know what to say.
Should we tell her
The things that went on
there that day?Well... what would YOU do
If your mother asked you?·
Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have
to know how.Sally: Um, Cat. Your tail.
Cat in the Hat: What about it? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because...SON OF A BI-[gets cut off]
Cat in the Hat: Well, there are two treatments I'd reccomend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps and the other involves a musical number.
Sally: How many shots?
Cat in the Hat: Don't worry, I have three plans. Plan A: Mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that! Plan B: Cut your losses and ditch the kids. That could work.
Sally: What about that one?
Cat in the Hat: Plan C: Trick Mom's boyfriend into handing over dog and lock. I don't know. I still like Plan B.
Cat in the Hat: Here she is. The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajiggar. Or S.L.O.W. for short.
Sally: S.L.O.W.?
Cat in the Hat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had. Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh, you mean...
Cat in the Hat: Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!
Fish: Aah!
The Cat in the Hat: *flush fish in toilet*
Fish: *escape sewers and toilet* Water... water... *death*
The Cat in the Hat: Who's this?
Sally Walden: That's our babysitter.
The Cat in the Hat: So wait, you mean that you pay this woman to sit on babies? Well that's disgusting!
The Cat in the Hat: I'm your host, the guy in the sweaterwho asks all the obvious questions.
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Poor Dick and Sally. It's cold and wet and they're stuck in the house with nothing to do . . . until a giant cat in a hat shows up, transforming the dull day into a madcap adventure and almost wrecking the place in the process!
